


Learning to live with a new tomorrow

by SkippingStone



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: M/M, Mentions of Cancer, Mentions of Death, Mpreg, Or Does It, Past Mpreg, dad!dan, doesn't mean it ends well..., there is heart melting fluff.... in the end
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-09-11
Updated: 2015-09-11
Packaged: 2018-04-20 05:25:00
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,488
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4775306
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SkippingStone/pseuds/SkippingStone
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>"The hand on his forehead slid down to his cheek, and rested there. It had lost all its softness and it was cold as death and maybe half of it was imagination, but it was still his hand and it was still his touch and really nothing had changed, except everything was different and there was no way to turn back time. Time was unkind and had no compassion or patience, not at all."</p>
            </blockquote>





	Learning to live with a new tomorrow

**Author's Note:**

> This is a contribution to the 30-Day-Challenge. A countdown to The Amazing Book Is Not On Fire. It's Day 3.  
> The hashtag is #phanfictioncountdown if you want to join in :)

Life changes within a blink of an eye. Phil knew that very well. He knew it before today. He was quite an expert in balancing a life recently being turned upside down. There was no use spending hours trying to find more philosophical words, or words more honest and true. This morning, when the doorbell rang, everything set back to zero. 

And in all honesty, Phil hadn't expected it. But that was usually the case in situations like that, right? He had walked out of his kitchen, contemplating what he might have forgotten. He wasn't expecting anyone or anything. So he opened the door with more caution, which nearly gave him the chance to slam it back close as he had done in many a fantasy when he realized who stood in front of his entrance door. 

The person standing there, however, rushed its foot between the frame and the door and spoke without invitation, pressing the door back open as if he could do no wrong in this world.

“Phil, please. I urgently need to talk to you!” 

When five minutes ago, he had thought that no bitterness or anger was left within him, everything, at once, came back and settled inside his heart. Everything. He wanted to scream, he wanted to leave it all out. 'You? Need to talk to me? You! Need to talk to me? I needed to talk to you! I needed to know that everything was all right! I needed to know that YOU were all right! I needed you and you were not there! I needed YOU to need ME! We needed to talk about it! I needed to talk about it! And you just never answered any of my calls, or my e-mails. I begged at the front-door of your parents house for gods sake. DAN! I needed to talk to you!'

“Come on in then.” Was what he actually said. 

“Thank you, Phil.” Dan pressed himself past the half opened door. And Phil, who still held onto the door as if it wouldn't stay hanging on its own if he let go. His knuckles had turned particularly pale. As had his face, he noticed when he finally closed the door and turned around, spotting himself in the mirror beside the door in the process. 

Dan stood in the hall, and if Phil hadn't felt so many emotions all at once and hadn't so much anger in his stomach for the man standing in the flow of sunlight streaming insider from the big bedroom window, he would have noticed how lost he was, how old his eyes had become and how prominently his cheekbones stood out of a much to thin and white face. 

He didn't notice though, he rushed past Dan into the kitchen and started to prepare tea the way he knew Dan liked it, with more energy in his movements than was strictly necessary, and his teeth pressed together as if he feared that loosening them would reveal a string of words that might or might not be forgiveable. 

“Don't get into to much trouble. It's okay if you just have a minute to listen to me.” Dan had followed him, he stood in between the frame and suddenly old words echoed in his head that Dan always used to say. 'Come in or stay out. Don't stand in the frame!' It made him a little more angry. He didn't know that was possible at this point. 

“It is certainly not as much trouble as picking up the phone I guess!” He suddenly hissed and banged the cup onto the worktop, seeing in the corner of his eye how Dan winced and slightly jumped. And witnessing that little gesture unfastened a massive amount of tension. His shoulders sacked and what was anger a moment ago was a rush of sickness now. He draw in a deep breath. Everything he did from that second onward was done with caution and purpose. He prepared two cups and starred at them for a moment, knowing that turning around and handing one to Dan meant looking at him. He wasn't ready. 

So he took the two cups and carried them over to the table, past Dan, silently offering him to sit. On their old table, in a new flat. In his kitchen because his new kitchen was big like that. He pushed the handle of Dan's cup to the left before he set down. A second after him, Dan also lowered himself to a chair. Silence fell. 

And it lasted. It lasted till he finally found the will to look up. Dan was looking around, stirring his tea. At first, Phil didn't see how it was on him to start talking. A wave of nausea rushed through him, though when it dawned on him. Dan was giving him the time he needed. He wouldn't unload something onto him when he wasn't ready. But when he looked up, Dan found his eyes and the air was pressed out of Phil's lungs and it wasn't anything like their old days, when looking at Dan took his breath away because he simply couldn't grasp how beautiful a human could be. He was robbed of all the air in his body and when he next inhaled, it was all fear entering his body. 

“Tell me what is wrong!” Phil whispered, it was barely a breath. 

“'It's.. it's.. don't worry. I am... I mean … uhhrg... this is hard.” Dan took a long and shaky breath at this point. “I am all right - for now. I look like shit I know, I am sorry. I just finished chemo. And... fuck... this is not how I should have started this, I am so sorry Phil.” 

Dan's head fell into his hands and there was one second when an old instinct told Phil to get up and lay his arms around Dan because this posture never meant anything good. It meant Dan was in a conflict with himself that really ate him up. But then the words just spoken settled in and nausea turned into him feeling seriously ill. Shock prevented him from moving- any muscle at all. So he set there and starred. At one point his mouth opened, but without even knowing what he wanted to say. He closed it again. 

Dan started talking again after a while, and when it didn't snatch him out of his trance, his ears seemed to remember their purpose again.

“There is a tumor behind my right eye. Or not directly behind it, I mean, I would probably look worse than Quasimodo… .” There was a pause in which Phil was not sure if Dan contemplated laughing at his own, very terrible, joke. 

“Anyway,” he didn't laugh.

“It was all right in the beginning, it was small, causing me to see really bad on my right eye and having a bad headache more than once a week. I went to see the doctor. I went through a first treatment which only scaled it down slightly. But it didn't grow after that for over a year. Nearly a year and a half. There were different treatments in-between, it was persistently staying, being the size of a marble. But then, all of a sudden it doubled in size, so they did a irradiation therapy, it was all crazy and it didn't help at all... they went for another chemo because it helped the first time around... but it didn't this time… and... I don't want there to be a next time... so here I am now. Needing to talk to you about something important.” 

Phil, technically didn't understand half of it. What he understood though and what was flashing and screaming at him in conclusion, was that Dan was technically dying, dying while he set here in-front of him, shaking while grasping his half emptied cup of tea.

There was a panic attack about to happen between every in- and outtake of every breath. There was fear in every muscle, shaking him to the bone, and starring at Dan didn't help at all, it only made it so much worse. Especially seeing him struggle with his next words. Phil couldn't stand any more words right now. So he abruptly stood up, nearly falling over from all the blood rushing and bones shaking. 

“I am going to turn the heating up. You are shaking.” 

He expected Dan to protest as he would have done back when everything was still good. Before all of this. Five years ago. When they still loved each other. But he didn't, he nodded and thanked him, taking another sip from his cup. Apparently he wasn't shaking with nervous as he did. Dan was cold. Despite the beany on his head and the scarf around his neck. He wondered if the hat was for warmth, or because Dan had no more hair? But his eye-brows where still there... and he remembered someone saying that cancer treatment had greatly developed. Still, Dan was cold. It was a simple realisation, but one that kicked him in the gut when he really didn't need any more crap added to the huge pile of sentiment keeping him on a high. 

“I know, I should give you some... or a lot... of time right now to work this through...” Dan started when Phil came back, but he was interrupted.

“I could definitively use some.” Dan nodded. He understood. Of course he did.

“And I am sorry that I cannot give it to you. I am not here today to talk about me.” 

Really, Phil was not able to process more. He couldn't even recall anything of what happened twenty minutes ago. What was he doing before the doorbell rang? How late was it? What happened between seeing Dan the last time, five years ago, and now. He couldn't tell. 

“I have no idea how to sugar-coat this next bit, Phil. So I won't try to. I will tell you everything and I will answer every question, I will let you hate me and I will let you punch me if you need to... “

“Dan, why would you say that, I would never...”

“I lied to you.” Dan pierced him with his eyes, interrupting him. 

“I lied to you when I told you on the phone that I lost the baby. And I didn't answer any of your calls because I couldn't have gone through with it, not a second time. I wanted that baby. And I knew you didn't. I lied to you because I knew you would get over me, but never over a life that didn't live up to your idea of happiness.” 

Only getting the conclusion seemed to be the baseline of this day. But this time he needed confirmation.

“What is it that you are saying?” Phil whispered and it sounded more like a threat than a question and he was sure that his voice had never before in his life sounded remotely like this.

“That we have a son. His name is Theo, he is four and a half and if you want to see him right now, we can go do it right away.”

“Where is he?” His chair fell over when he got up. He looked around as if he would find a boy sitting at the window or beside the fridge. Then he looked back to Dan, expectantly, willing him to answer him.

“He is in the café around the corner with a friend of mine. I didn't want to bring him right away.”  
Phil nodded. He needed someone to tell him what to do next. And suddenly Dan stood beside him, tall as ever and the closeness of him and his scent suddenly filling every fiber of him, overwhelmed him, letting memories rush back in he thought were forgotten long ago.

“You should sit back down. It was all too much, and I am sorry but there was no other way.” Dan needed to be extremely close to him, because his words pierced through his scull, down his spine and every hair on his body stood. At the same time he was dizzy and then he was sitting again. Breathing in and breathing out. Repeating and repeating again.

Then someone took his hand and a little shot glass was pushed into his hand. When he wasn't fully sure what to make of it, it was pressed against his lower lip and a cold hand that wasn't his was pressed against his forehead, when his head was slowly pushed back he understood and took the hint, swallowing wasn't quite as hard, the burning afterwards was a relieve. 

The hand on his forehead slid down to his cheek, and rested there. It had lost all its softness and it was cold as death and maybe half of this was imagination, but it was still his hand and it was still his touch and really nothing had changed, except everything was different and there was no way to turn back time. Time was unkind and had no compassion or patience, not at all. 

“I need to shortly use the bathroom. Are you okay alone for a moment?” He nodded. 

He had a son. Dan was dying. He tried to prioritize one fact over the other in order to find out how to handle the situation. But there was no way to do any such thing. He couldn't lose Dan. He couldn't lose Dan. It screamed through him but at the very same time the knowledge that he had a son pulsated through his veins as if it had replaced his blood. How was he supposed to deal with any of that?

“I got your shoes here. How about we walk over. Meet Theo? I don't expect anything of you. I told him everything about you, told him that when he is lucky, he will meet you today. All he knows is that you are my best friend. Don't worry.”

“I don't know if I can handle that right now.”

“I understand. But I can promise that his presence is doing wonders. He will drain all the bad things away, leaving only happiness behind. I think you need some happiness.” Dan basically kneed in front of him and dragged his shoes on his feet with little help of himself. 

“You are good at that.” Phil muttered. Dan laughed for the first time and Phil could breath a bit better suddenly. 

“I know, right? It's in the job description. He has your feet.” Every sentence was disconnected to the next and that wasn't like Dan at all. Dan was all structure and argumentation and nothing of that was there anymore. 

“That is not necessarily a good thing.” 

“He has your hands as well. And your mouth.” 

“Okay.”

There was a silence while Dan draw himself back up. When he stood, he looked Phil in the eyes.

“I need you to open your heart.”

“I need you not to force things on me.” Phil himself wasn't really sure where this came from. 

“I don't try to. I may or may not have made mistakes in the past. But I cannot do them now. I don't have time for mistakes. I need you to open your heart and get to know him. And I am not here to hand him over to you and make it your turn. I promise you this is not my intent. He doesn't know that you are his father. And I won't tell him, and if you want him to never know, I will do everything in my power in order for him to never learn who his other father is. I am giving you a week to decide and then I am going back home. There are other options. I just need to offer you a chance. Maybe you will take it this time.”

It sounded like it was all his fault.

“Only a week? Dan that is ridiculous. How am I supposed to decide something like that in such a short amount of time? It is about changing everything. Again. I can't be a father, I am awful! ” 

“It really is not ridiculous. Because either you fall in love with him - or you don't. But if you do, then this is not a decision about changing your life or not. And I wish I knew that before I went away. And you are not awful. Phil, you are wonderful.”

In answer, Phil shook his head and wanted to protest, but Dan took his hand and went in the direction of the door, he grabbed a warm jacket, a scarf and a head and pushed it into the other man's arms. 

“It is cold outside.” Dan spoke in a matter of fact and it was then that Phil realized that there was still an outside world. 

They walked silently alongside each other. Both, Phil thought, where drained. It was all a lot. But it seemed that the nearer they came to the café, the more energy run back into Dan and the faster his pace got beside him. And Phil wanted to stop him, explain to him, talk about what happened back then, why he was against a child in the first place. He may had the chance right now, just grabbing Dan's hand, but he had no strength left. He couldn't even talk anymore, or understand, or remember whether he actually lied to himself right now or not. How did it even come to the point that they ended their relationship and was it before or after? Hell, he was confused right now.

But then they reached the café and as soon as they passed the entrance, a big smile reached not only Dan's mouth, but also his eyes and he grew taller within seconds, and his presence was full of confidence. Phil followed Dan's view and the boy he was seeing was mirroring the exact smile, on the same face, radiating from the same eyes. And Phil forgot every confusing thought all over again.

“Daddy! You're back! Finally! Look what I made for you while you were away.” 

Phil fell back, while Dan strode to the table. The boy was already running in their direction, falling into Dan's arms who crouched down and picked his son up. It was a strain on him, it was obvious to everyone watching. And again, air left his body and fear flowed back in and what if he died, right here, right now? What was he supposed to do? He couldn't handle this...

“Phil?”

Dan stood in front of him suddenly, the boy was smiling in his arms... actually, he was smiling at him. Phil looked down for a moment, there was a picture in Dan's left hand and they stood beside the table, and he felt like he had a blackout along the way, somewhere between the door and the table.

“I want to introduce you to Theo?” Before Phil could even react, Theo interrupted.

“I am Theo! I saw when you and Daddy had cats on the face. You are funny! Sometimes when I am a good boy, Daddy draws me like a cat!”

Phil looked mesmerized from the boy to Dan and when Phil looked at Dan, Theo did also. 

“Right, Daddy?”

“Right Monkey. Did you have a great time while I was gone?” Dan saved him from further interaction, he turned to the table and introduced him to Dan's friend. Sammy lived in the same house as them, apparently they were close friends. Phil realized that he had no idea where this house was, and there were so many questions. But before he could ask them, Theo took the word again. Dan just smiled at him. Or rather between him and Theo, and he interacted with the child as if he knew it forever, as if he never were a different person before Theo, as if Theo was attached to Dan's hip since Dan's birth, not Theo's. 

“Sammy sud.... sudjdedded to draw something for you as well, Phil.” Dan laughed and made Theo repeat 'suggested' after him. But then he draw the attention back to the drawing. Theo slid down from his chair and stood beside him, handing him the piece of art, he also patiently explained everything on the drawing. And as soon as Phil found the first question to ask back to the boy, he realize how natural it came to him and that speaking with the boy wasn't hard or frightening at all. 

It was as Dan had said. The boy drained every negative feeling away. And suddenly he was laughing loudly at a story Theo told with a little bit of help from his Dad. Not even realizing that Theo had climbed up on his lap, Phil draw the boy comfortably into his arms, and maybe it really wasn't a decision about changing your life, but about opening it up to happiness.


End file.
